Death and I have always had this thing.
We met the first time I almost drowned, at a romantically beautiful beach resort called “the pink flamingo”, and I’ve kept him close by for keeps since then. I know, he isn’t exactly everyone’s cup of tea. Well, I’m a scalding hot cup of spiked white chocolate; so, yeah, we get along well and interact regularly.
Actually, we had a falling out just recently. I thought I was finally going to be happy and content with my first love, Life, but as he is quite the jealous guy, death reared his ugly head twice when I was starting to fall in love with life again. And here i am, on the flying trapeze love affair, swinging to and from both ends. I love life; but death is quite the charmer.
Now why would i stay so intricately fascinated with such an idyllically chaotic idea of a repugnant repudiation with my life? After all, life has given me everything. Exactly. EVE-RY-THING. Mostly problems, heartbreak, and love.
As if dealing with myself and my imperfections alone is not enough of a headache, the nutcase that I am, Love has to be there to make things even more complicated.
I can do away with love. Its over-rated anyway. Ask me how many times I’ve loved/ fallen in love with someone, and how many times I’ve been loved back by them. Pff. I fall quite fast, i admit, but i stay loyal for at least half of a year until they tell me they don’t want me.
Anyway, me and life, yeah, we’re good friends. I give it what i can, and it gives me everything, but let’s leave it at that. I don’t give anything more because I am close to never satisfied with the returns. Exerting more effort wouldn’t do much since, well, it has given me everything already, so what more can there be?
Death, on the other hand, now he’s the mysterious creature in the dark. Most people are afraid of him, but that’s just because they feel they have everything to give up. I dont know why they’d feel like that. Isn’t life supposed to be a preparation for death? Good thing for me, i’ve been hanging around him for a while, so i’ve had a glimpse.
Now all i want is to just finally get to experience it, actually. It showed me promises that i’d be numb to all the pain—the pain of being with the person you love without actually being with him. Being numb to the feeling of being disowned by the most important person in your life: the person you chose to be with, let's call it fleur de vive.
Surprisingly, just as i was writing that statement of ‘disownership’, life strikes up a flanking maneuver. Just a segway, my fleur de vive just happened to be awake and told me he wants to see me tomorrow, using our sacred term of endearment. I would be lying if i said i wasn’t experiencing those soft, sweet, heart-palpitations right now. But, I’m not blind anymore, either. Life can give you everything, including LIES. As previously experienced, he only calls me when he needs something. As a firm believer in giving the benefit of the doubt, well, he may actually NOT this time, but who knows.
Numbness to the pains of life, to life as it is, and mostly, life as i know it. Yes, un momento du morir.
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